I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
