The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
