At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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