it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
