i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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