The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
