You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
