I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
