captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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