Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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