for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
why do cheetos always look like penises
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
