remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
