i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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