come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
she pinky promised me she was 18
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
