Non-Jews are for practice
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Drunk is a universal language darling
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