Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
