Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
