i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
vagina is talking i cant
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
