I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
