Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
