Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
