I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
