I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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