So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
In other news, I just burned my penis
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
