Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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