hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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