My first STD was from a foam party
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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