he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
