Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
