first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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