We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
