I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
