You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
