shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
