my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
