Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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