I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
farters have to be the big spoon...
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
