no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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