FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
