I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
