So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
