Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I forget how to act sober
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