just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
