So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
