I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
