Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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