When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
