Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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