Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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