Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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