yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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