we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
