FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
