I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
